drug influenced epiphany

I remember once reading this book on LSD. It mentioned that the stuff tends to show people the games that people play everyday. Just this tendency of people to be who they think other people think they are. I remember, during a hospitalization, being taught this set of phrases:

I am not who I think I am. I am not who other people think I am. I am what I think other people think I am.

Anyway, I remember when this specific moment happened to me. I was in New Orleans with a bunch of friends. The first bar we attempted to go to asked for ID, 21 and up. The group split between 21 and under. I and several other friends decided to stay out and ended up taking the stuff.

I remember sitting in the hotel room much later. The woman in the group suggested we go for a walk. This was the last thing on my mind; I was happy to sit and be. But I remember debating about my answer, because of this or that or whatever. The important thing is, I recall thinking to myself, “wow. i know what i want and why. yet, i am arguing with myself about what to say and do because I have this distinct knowledge of what i think is expected of me” and I have a tendency to stick to that script. And suddenly, I can also see the pattern in her behavior. And then when the group returns, in their behavior.

To this day, I and most other people still act in this manner. It is difficult not to. One usually does not wish to constantly analyze every waking moment. The influence is so subtly hammered into our private existence. I guess when one finds a group of people who seem able to transcend this sort of game-play, then they truly find they can just be comfortable with being.

originally posted by Diogenes on Monday, August 07, 2006