too smart for own good

collection of random thoughts over the past few days:

so i have finally found myself enmeshed in a group of people who are not constantly looking at me and saying (with obvious disdain), “why do you use such big words?” It really is a liberating feeling not to feel like such a fucking outcast because of my speech patterns.

perhaps i and some others i know (you know who you are) are too smart. sure we can read books and understand them and consume them like so much fast fucking food. but what do we really learn from them? do we not just practice some devious, deceitful lipservice of regurgitation without critical thought and application? do we not attempt to label and understand things in the world through these concepts and yet sometimes fail to realize our own roles in the world?

maybe i should just relax.

perhaps she is right. perhaps i am a fucking hypocrite, a ranting lunatic with stunning memorization without any practice and application? have i really created my beliefs in buddhism to be just yet another thing to fail at? have i begun to struggle against my own beliefs just because that makes me feel better? have i perverted buddhist thought into something to struggle with rather than help me with my tortured soul? am i too smart to be happy? fuck, do i even know what happiness is?

are we arguing over sexual tension in the room, or are we just too fucked up (physically and mentally) to let things be? am i struggling against the beauty of the moment, or are you? or is it possible that rampant neurotocism is a symptom of an overactive intellect with no positive focus? is there such a thing as positive focus?

i am gonna give all my buddhist books away.

thank goodness i am not as tortured as {insert name here}.

am i on the right path? am i just a punk bitch, an armchair revolutionary? does it matter? am i willing to go to jail?

“you like it when no one gets hurt huh?”

i keep remembering jodi sattva saying, “fuck it.” so, thinking of nothing better to say at sign-off:

fuck it.

3 Responses to “too smart for own good”

  1. Nix Says:

    Way to relax, buddy.

    Geez.

    Okay, here’s a fast food tidbit for you to rail against (just in case this shit gets boring before you see me again): It is all self important foolishness.

    To think that your hypocracy matters is self importance. Your are not that important.

    Relax. there is no weight of the world on your shoulders. You are not judged by the standard of perfection. You are rarely judged, because really, you’re not that important.

    Those of you that take the time to judge you, love you, and so you are surrounded by love, frivolity and comedy.

    What is there to huff and puff about???

    Relax, breathe. Stop fighting yourself. I’ll be around soon enough for confllict.

  2. Administrator Says:

    i was actually hoping to get across that i am trying to learn not to stuggle against myself.

    better work on my communication skills, eh?

  3. Nix Says:

    Sounds like it. :D

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